AM18 Access Management “The Musical”

• Published by:  Brew City Harmony Barbershop Quartet
• Authored by:  Frank Broen
• Event:  2018 National Access Management Conference Wisconsin

12th AM CONFERENCE Session – Access Management “The Musical”

Thanks to the Brew City Harmony Barbershop quartet for bringing “Access Management: The Musical” to the 12th National Conference on Access Management!

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Read the Script

Frank: Hello – I’m your host tonight, here in the beautiful state of Wisconsin, live from the Concourse Hotel in beautiful Madison. We have been talking about transportation planning all week during the 12th National Conference on Access Management. It a serious subject, but we are going to take a fresh look at it with a light-hearted and unexpectedly dramatic flair. Provided by the Barbershop Quartet “Brew City Harmony” in their unique style of a cappella harmony. Please introduce yourselves! 

Tenor = Niel Johnson
Lead = John Von Haden
Bari = Mike Olson
Bass = Mike Corkins

So take out your expectations of how transportation planning should be explained, check them at the door, and get ready to enjoy “Access Management – the Musical”

Barbershop Song: To the tune of Driving me Crazy – Driving Me Crazy

With the beep, beep beep of a car horn
And the bang bang bang of a crash
Got a road that’s driving me crazy
And I got to stop more whiplash

You think drivin' is a fool’s game? Well, buddy, maybe your right
Got a road that’s drivin’ me crazy
And I think I’m gonna manage it right
Cause it’s the driveways and all those conflict points
And now tonight’s the night, we make it right (yes, make it right)

One day you fix a roadway, and then you’ll understand
That access management’s crazy
And we’ll have you in the palm of our hand.

A beep, beep beep of a car horn
And the bang, bang, bang of a crash.
Got a road that’s driving me crazy
I'm afraid I'm gonna get whiplash

Cause it’s the driveways and all those conflict points
And now tonights the night, we make it right (yes, make it right)
One day you fix a roadway, and then you might understand
That access management’s crazy
And they'll have you in the palm of your hand.

FRANK: Whenever there is a congestion problem, the public and the officials know how to solve it – they drive on the roads every day. Here is their solution…

Barbershop Song:  (To One More Song)

One more lane, just add one more lane
Let the travel time just get more insane
Till we meet, or we crash
Till we crash again,
One more lane, One More Lane. 

FRANK: We’ve all been there. Too much traffic. Too many accidents. We want roads that are safer and work better. There is a better solution – Access Management!

Barbershop Song:  I Want To Get Thru (Hello Mary Lou) 1:30

Want to get thru (To the tune of Hello Mary Lou)

Passed me by one summer day,
Flashed those big headlights my way
And then I sat in one big traffic jam

I just want to get around
Not be stuck in this downtown
And then I hear a screech, slam bam and wham.

I said I want to get thru
what a zoo

This Access Management is overdue
(I just knew that this is cool)
I knew this is cool
I thought
we’d never start
This Access Management is so smart.

Saw your road, this median,
(Not just a chameleon)
Those conflict points were more than I can count
If those driveways go away,
I might just get there some day

Before I need my retirement account.
I said I want to get thru
it's still a zoo

This Access Management is overdue
(I just knew that this is cool)
this acces management is so smart.

F: So what’s your job?
B: I’m a highway line painter.
F: How’s it going?
B: Terrible! I’ve been painting a two way left turn lane for 3 days, and I think I’m going to get fired.
F. Why is that?
B: Well, the first day went well. I painted an entire mile on the highway. But the second day, I could only get a quarter mile done.
F. Wow! What else?
B: Well, today I could only get a 1/10th of mile painted.
F: That’s terrible! What happened?
B: I don’t know. It’s just that the paint bucket kept getting farther and farther away each time.

FRANK: Access is important. Every business want’s customers to be able to get there. So in trying to accommodate all those left turns into every business on the arterial, one problem we often see are those Two Way Left Turn Lanes – or TWTLs (twiddles) as engineers call them. But there is a problem…

Barbershop Song:  My wild TWTL (twiddle) Roads (To my wild Irish Rose)

Those wild TWTL roads, the danger alway grows.
You may drive anywhere, and all may beware on those wild TWTL roads.
Those wild TWTL roads, bad crashes ratios,
And some day for my sake, a median makes, it safer on wild TWTL roads.
(Watch out for those wild TWTL roads) 

FRANK: So what can we do? We manage driveways, add medians, and consider all modes of traffic. But ultimately, every person finishes their trip by using a sidewalk. 

Barbershop Song: Upon the Sidewalk (Under the Boardwalk) 2:30

Oh, when the sun beats down and lots of cars are on the road
they try to get where they’re not, and their temper is hot
and they implode
Upon the sidewalk, down in the city, yeah
On a road that is planned by DOT

(Upon the sidewalk) A pedestrian
(Upon the sidewalk) walking havin’ some fun
(Upon the sidewalk) people strolling along
(Upon the sidewalk) We’ll be singin’ this song
Upon the sidewalk, sidewalk!

As a bike goes by, the multi-modal option does propel
Mm-mm you can almost see the conflict points that don’t exist as well.
Upon the sidewalk, down in the city, yeah
On a road that's planned by DOT

(Upon the sidewalk) A pedestrian
(Upon the sidewalk) out there havin’ some fun
(Upon the sidewalk) people driving along
(Upon the sidewalk) We’ll be singin’ this song
Upon the sidewalk, sidewalk!

F: Hey, did you hear about Charlie? He got fired.
D: Really? What for?
F: Apparently, he was stealing from the road construction site.
D: That’s awful. You know, I wouldn’t have expected that from him.
F: Yep. Me neither. But when they checked out his garage, sure enough, the signs were all there.

FRANK:  You know what the problem is – adding lanes will ultimately make congestion worse. You also know that adding medians help traffic move more efficiently and safer. But what about those U-Turns?

Barbershop Song: Can you love your U-Turn now? (Can you feel the love tonight) 1:30

Loo loo…

There’s a time for everyone if they only learn,
that this access management moves us all in turn.
There’s a rhyme and reason
to our DOT
When the conflict points are gone
We'll get there safely 

Can you love your U-Turn now?
It is not so bad.
It is true for this left turn wannabe
That I got so mad
Can you love your U-Turn now? OK

Yes you did suggest
that it helps me to get there safely
it really works the best.

Yes it helps me to get there safely
it really works the best. Loo Loo

That Damn AM 

FRANK:  So finally, to those curmudgeons that still don’t believe that access management is good, we acknowledge your resistance and offer this appeal using the style of my favorite author:

Barbershop Song: (Quartet sings Caroline)

That Damn AM  – http://teachamerica.com/accessmanagement.info/AM2007/SAMandAM/

I am AM. AM I am.
That damn AM! That damn AM!
I do not like that damn AM!
Would you like to get there SAM? It can help you to your house. I can show you with my mouse.
Do not bother with your mouse. I just want to be a grouse.
I want my driveway here and there, I want my driveways everywhere. 

You can safely drive your car. You can drive from very far. Medians can make life grand -- If you can only understand.
I do not care if you agree, I only want what pleases me,
I want them here so fast, fast, fast, Why should I worry 'bout their cast?
To limit conflicts is the goal. 

Reduce crash points to keep us whole.
Moving traffic is the key to functional integrity.
People flow from here to there and get to you from anywhere! AM, If you will let me be, I will try it. You will see. 

Say! I like this Access Management. It helps me get to where I went! I cannot drive in anywhere for that would cause more conflict's there.
Medians are safer, too Especially when I see you. And less is more, or so they say when crashes seem to go away.
I want to know more, please tell me what's functional integrity? I want more customers, oh gee -- you've increased the capacity! Please take your mouse and show me more I like this driveway shared next door.
I want to know just what you meant!
I want to stop my foolish vent! and support this Access Management.
I do so like this great AM!
Thank you! Sam and AM!

Finale: 

We hope that this approach has opened your eyes and helped you feel good about the potential that well designed access management projects help make this a safer and better place to live. There is more information on the web at accessmanagement.info. So long, farewell, Goodbye to Roadway Congestion.

2:10

Barbershop Song: To the tune of Goodbye my Coney Island Baby – Goodbye my roadway congestion

Goodbye my roadway congestion,
Farewell to conflict points.
My road is gonna be much safer
I’m gonna travel faster, and avoid a big disaster,
I drive a roundabout to get there

Love this access management
So goodbye
So long
Farewell for ever
Goodbye to conflict points…

We all fall for a road that looks so neat
median of concrete
a road eleven feet
Then we’ll join the Army of engineers
To the bidders
While the public reconsiders

When it’s over
oh boy we get it good
Crashes past we then recall

Driveways, left turns, medians, please
Just don’t cut down any trees
We all just plan for…

Goodbye my roadway congestion,
Farewell to conflict points.
My road is gonna be much safer
I’m gonna travel faster, and avoid a big disaster,
I drive a roundabout to get there
Love this access management

So good riddance
See ya!
So long for ever
Goodbye to conflict points…
Goodbye to conflict points 
Bye, we hope you comprehend.

THE END.

FRANK: We hope you have enjoyed the harmony, laughed a little, and opened your eyes to how much fun access management can be. 

Thanks to the barbershop quartet Brew City Harmony for adding such good harmony to our show. Good night and Good Planning.